Just Another Victorious Fic
by kikudog6
Summary: A series of truly awful cliche Victorious one shots!
1. Just Another Rape Story

**Alright so this is in NO WAY trying to make fun of anyone, it was just for entertainment, plus I'm guilty for about half of the stuff in here. So anyways I hope you enjoy this truly awful story. Oh yeah and I got the idea from K9GM3's story 'Terrible' and demondreaming's story 'Terror Terrible Victorious Fic'. They're both hilarious so if you're looking for a laugh I'd read them. Anyways this is MEANT to be a series of random bad stories, so...yeah ENJOY**

**Warning: I in no way meant to make a joke out of rape, this was just made to point out a lot of cliche things in victorious stories. And I'm not saying that the rape stories from Victorious are bad either, I've actually read a lot of good ones. And also I'd like to point out that I'm also pretty cliche in my stories too, so I'm really REALLY sorry if I offend anyone!  
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JUST ANOTHER RAPE STORY

_**-Jade POV-**_

I walked down the dark alley admiring the growing mold in the side of the building. Man I loved the dark, it's just so black, and not light.

Beck was being such an ass today. I mean can you believe he was TALKING to that *insert insult of choice* and I didn't even approve of it. It all started this afternoon...

_-Unnecessary Flashback-_

_ I came from Starbucks for about the 50__th__ time today, and was heading to Beck's R.V when I saw my super hot boyfriend and the __sperm burping gutter slut__._

_ As they walk by Vega trips on an invisible rock, and crashed into Beck's arms. "Oh I'm sorry Beck, I didn't see your handsome smoking sexy body standing there." she smiled stupidly._

_ "Haha that's funny." He smiled._

_ "What?" She looked weirdly at him._

_ "Um well I'm Beck Oliver."_

_ "Yeeeaaahhh and I'm Tori Vega, what about it?"_

_ "HELLO how the hell could you not see me, my body's like a lighthouse attracting any hot girl that's lucky enough to see me!" He gave her a million watt grin._

_ "Hahaha that's so true, you know what? We should date." She beamed._

_ "..."_

_ "Yeah Becky Poo you and Vega should date!" I magically revealed myself. _

_ "HOLY FREEZE DRIED MONGOOSE! Where'd you come from Jade?" Beck yelled._

_ "That's not the point on why I was watching/stalking you, the point is I know you want to fuck this Rebecca Black wannabe!" _

_ "Now why in the world would I want to do that, you're my girl." He smiled._

_ "I'm not a Rebecca Black wannabe I'm at least as good as Hannah Montana." Vega interjects._

_ "No I think you mean Miley Cyrus." Beck looked over at her._

_ "Ummm no I mean Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus is so much worse." She raised her eyebrow._

_ "You do realize they're the same people right?" He smiled slightly._

_ "NO WAY! You're just froot looping me!" She exclaimed._

_ "No I'm being for cereal, I mean what about her songs Best of Both Worlds?"_

_ "I thought-"_

_ "Dude shut the hell up, I'm trying to rant here, you know what, forget it, I hate you Beck Oliver!" I ran away crying. _

_ End Flashback_

Now you see why he's a total ass wipe?

I felt my phone buzz for the eleventybillionth time, so I finally decided to pick it up.

"Go to HELLo" I sneered.

"Listen baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for Tori to fall in love with my total awesomeness, I'm really sorry. Please-"

"Bye." I hung up, and continued my midnight stroll.

After a while I heard a noise from behind, and turned quickly on my heels.

But it was too late because I felt a big hand cover my mouth.

"Hey there sweet thang, what are you doin all alone on a lonely night such as tonight."

Did he really expect me to respond while he's covering my mouth.

"You know what since you're a hot girl all alone in an alley I'm gonna rape you, for No. Damn. Reason." He throws me on the ground, and you wouldn't believe what he did to me; he raped me!

Just like that, even though I begged him to stop, but he just kept doing it, I couldn't believe it!

"Well that was satisfying, see ya later tuts." He dusted off his hands and walked away smiling.

Oh my gosh, I can't believe I just lost my V card to some freak, this will definitely make it up on the FML website, I mean talk about angst!

I shakily got off the ground, and went home.

*3 weeks later*

I ran out of my bedroom straight to the bathroom, and threw up (EWW). Oh dear, why did I just vomit. Oh my gosh I bet it's from when I was raped, am I...am I...pregnant? No but I'm only 17 it can't be!

I pull out my trusty pregnancy test, just in case I have random pregnant-girl symptoms, and take a waz on it.

After 5 minutes I look back at the stick. No no no no no, I am pregnant, what are my parents gonna do, what is Beck gonna do. Oh gosh, could my life suck anymore!

Sigh, what's the point of school anymore, I'm just gonna skip, because I'm just that B.A.

I spent the rest of the day crying in my room and wallowing in self-pity.

A couple of hours later I heard a knok on the door, but I don't bother to open it.

But it doesn't matter because it's apparently not locked anyways.

"Jade?" I heard some yell downstairs.

"I'm not here go home!" I yell.

"Oh okay, call me when you get home okay." the person said.

I buried my head back in my knees, when someone starts walking up the stairs, and entered my room.

"Jade why weren't you at school today, I got my hair to look extra hot today." Beck laughs.

"What's so damn funny?" I snapped.

"Hahaha it's just that I'm Beck Oliver, my hair naturally looks hot!" He beamed.

"Man you're such a dick."

"Don't act like you don't like it." he smirked.

I glare menacingly at him, and but he wasn't looking at me.

"Jade what's that."

I followed his eyes to the pregnancy test I was too stupid to throw away.

"Huh, what is it?" He repeated when I didn't answer, but still I stay silent.

He walked over to me, and put his hand around my shoulder, and I flinched involuntarily.

"Is something wrong Jadey?"

"Besides the fact that you just called me Jadey?" I looked up at him.

"Yeah."

I sighed, "I was raped 3 weeks ago." I mumble.

"What, I didn't hear you?"

"I said I was raped." I said louder.

He stared at me, astonishment written all over his face, "OMG. No way." He whispered.

I spontaneously cried into his shoulder, "Yeah that's what I thought."

He rubbed circles into my back, and I added, "Plus I'm pregnant."

"Don't worry Jade, I'll help you raise this stranger's baby, and do you know why?"

"Because you can't get away from my charming personality?"

"Close, it's because I love you. I love you Jadelyn West, I love you as much as a horny 17 year old boy can. I'm like Spongebob and you're like my krabby patty, together WE ARE INVINCIBLE!" He stood up, placing his hands on his hips, attempting to imitate a superhero.

"You're such a sap." I grinned.

And they all loved happily ever after :D

**Okay so, like I said this is SUPPOSED to be bad, and maybe a little funny (probably failed in tha department). I know I got the bad part down, but I'm not sure how funny it was. I've never really done a humorous story, so tell me what you think :)**


	2. Just Another Bori Story

**Thanks everyone for the reviews! They really mean a lot because I wasn't sure how funny it actually was, but any who onto the next chapter :D**

JUST ANOTHER BORI STORY

_**-Beck POV-**_

**To Jade: Hey you kno how we've been goin' out for 2 yrs and all?**

** To Beck: Uhh yeah?**

** To Jade: Well that means nothing becuz I spontaneously fell in love wit Tori. We're over :)  
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** To Beck: Dick! :O  
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Phew well that went smoother than expected, well since that's over between us I guess I can finally go out with Tori. Score!

*next day*

"Hey Beck." Tori said, looking down at her shoes.

"Hey babe, you don't have to worry about the Wicked old Witch of the West, we're over!" I beamed. "Now you can have all o' dis baby." I rolled my body attractively.

"You're single!"

"Can you date me?"

"Please it's my dream ever since I saw your smokin' hot body!"

A bunch of girls crowded around me, "Ladies although _some _of you are very attractive, all I want is the lovely Tori here." I laughed, used to girls swooning over my sexy bod.

"O.M.G no way! So we can have like sex and everything!" she grinned.

"Hell yeah! We can play a little teacher if you know if you catch my drift." I winked.

She smiled seductively and said, "Ooo yeah because you've been a _very _bad boy Becky."

"Me?" I smiled looking extra cute, not that that's hard for me.

"Oh yeah I think-" But she's interrupted by coffee being dumped on her.

"That's for stealing my boyfriend you gank!" Jade scowled.

"Jade that wasn't very nice, she's my new girlfriend now!" I shouted

"No shit Sherlock that's why I poured coffee on her."

"Oh yeah.."

"Yeah... so bye!" She stomped away.

"You're going out with Tori!" Andre appeared out of no where.

"Oh yeah dude, I'm gonna get laid tonight." I smiled and high fived him

"Dude you know I liked her." He randomly punched me.

"Man take a chill pill, I'm going out with her now!" I rubbed my jaw, and then punched him in the stomach.

"Oh my gosh boys are fighting over me! This is great, does anyone have any popcorn!" Tori smiled.

"Popcorn? Aren't you gonna tell him you love me?" Andre looked up at her.

"Nah I like him more, I mean just look at his hair!"

"It is voluptuous and oh so fiizzzinneee!" I did a slo-mo hair flip, and I swear I heard a girl faint.

"C'mon babe let's go to my R.V and do it." I took her hand.

"What about school."

"It'll still be here." I smiled.

"Man you're so cool Beck." She grinned.

"Yes. Yes I am. In fact my middle name is Cool."

"Really?"

"Nah it's Rudy."

*At Beck's R.V*

"Hey Beck can I ask ya something?" Tori asked.

"12 inches." I grinned cockily.

"Um what?" She looked very confused.

"And growing." I winked.

"What are you talking about, your pet snake."

"If that's what you wanna call it." I nudged her, "And I think this snake wants to go in your rabbit hole."

"Umm I don't have a rabbit."

Wow she was dumb, but she's also hot, so it's all good. "I'm talking about my cock, and your va jay jay."

"Ooooohhhhh." She exclaimed and then smiled seductively, "Ah well you should know that I like snakes. I like big snakes."

"Hahaha well there happens to be a big ol' python in my pants, and he likes Tori pussy."

"Well that's a good thing cuz my name's Tori!" She beamed.

"Then lets make love baby."

*45.4 seconds later*

"Woah Beck that was-" Tori said breathing hard. "That was...that was..."

I placed my hand to her lip, "Shhh it's okay, I know I have that affect on people to leave them speechless."

"You sure do, I feel like I was just got fucked by a unicorn on a rainbow."

"I know babe, I know." I flipped my hair, and smiled at nothing in particular.

"You're the best Beckette Oliver." She rested her head on my rock hard abs.

"You're not too bad yourself Victoria Vega." I rub her back, "Hey aren't you uncomfortable?"

"Sorta your abs so hard its like I'm laying on a table, here I'll move my head to the crook of your neck."

"Yeah did you hear I broke the school record for the amount of sit ups."

"Woah." she breathed.

"Yup, that's me. Actor extraordinaire, super strong, and helluva sexy guy."

"Yea and I'm your hot, talented, smart girlfriend."

"Woah don't get ahead of yourself there, but 1 out of 3 is still good."

"You know what if you weren't so hot, I'd be offended but you are, so I don't care." She grinned.

"Ain't that how it goes." I smiled back.

"I love you Beck."

"I love you too Tori."

And they all lived happily ever after!

_-Alternate Ending-_

_"I love you too Tori."_

_ A loud noise shakes the R.V and then a guy with a chainsaw breaks down the door, and he's wearing a big ol' scary mask._

_ "AAAGGGGHHHHH!" Tori screamed._

_ "I 'MA KILL Y'ALL!" The guy shouted._

_ "Nooo I'm too young and extremely hot to die! Please, take the girl!"_

_ "BECCKKK?"_

_ "TOOORRRIII?" I repeated, not understanding the game._

_ "If you say so." They guy used his chainsaw, and slices Tori's head clean off._

_ "Ew." I said._

_ The guy took off his mask and guess what? It wasn't a guy! It was Jade!_

_ "Babe what up with that, you just killed my girlfriend!"_

_ "Yeah now you and I can be together forever, because I'll do anything for you Beck Oliver." _

_ I looked her up and down, as if she was crazy, and then shrugged "Alright."_

_ And they all lived happily ever after :D_

**Okay so here are some ideas I have for other chapters: a)how Beck and Jade met b)drama c)abuse d)bademance e) Cat and I totally agree with teddybear about the alphabet improv, so I think I'll add that in the drama one. So if you guys have any other ideas you can just leave it in a review ( and they don't have to be just about Jade and Beck)!**


	3. Just Another Abuse Story

**Woops I didn't mean to make it look like I was doing only one of the ideas I had in the last chapter, I'll probably all of them, if not most, I was just seeing if you guys wanted me to write anything else :) But anyways I give you the next chapter.**

JUST ANOTHER ABUSE STORY

_**~Jade POV~**_

__I felt really sad as I was walking home to my coincidentally drug addict mother, and alcoholic dad. Man I don't like them at all, there always so mean to me and stuff. But luckily I'm Jade West, so that means I'm super tough. Like the Hulk, but not green. Or big. Or ugly. But other wise you can call me Jade Hulk West. Yeah it has a pretty good ring to it.

I sighed when I got to my house, and tried to sneak in, but my dad somehow saw me, even though I didn't want him to!

"Hey bitchy slutty ugly weird stupid daughter of mine, I just brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack, and I'm feeling extra wasted, so I'm gonna take my anger out on you."

"You're stupid!" I yelled in frustation.

"Ooooooo you shouldn't have said that!"

"Well I did-" But I was cut off when he punched me all over my body. It hurt so bad, that I cried. It felt like I was being hit by a guy who was really strong. Talk about ouch!

"Wooo well that makes me feel a little better." Dad smiled drunkly.

"You're so mean!" I shouted.

"Oh no you didn't!" He snapped and did the whole head waggle thing, and then started beating me again, and guess what, my mother joined him!

"Hold her down will you!" She yelled at me dad. He did. Then she got a cigarette lighter and burned it against my bare skin!

"OWWWWWIIIEEEEE!" I screamed.

"Shut up bitch!"

"Okay." I whimpered.

"Do you think she's had enough?" Mom asked.

"Uhhhh..." He kicked me in the ribs, and I felt a crack, "No."

Then they beat me some more, it felt like there was liquid pain and agony running through my body, and guess what? When I screamed the neighbors just told me to shut up! Rude much?

Hours later they got tired and stopped, "I couldn't have done it without you babe." Dad turned to mom, and they started making out.

Well at least they were working together. I limped upstairs, despite my broken body, but hey I'm Jade Hulk West, I don't show weakness...unless I'm all alone.

Using my newly found inhuman strength, I hobbled upstairs, and cried my eyes out all night. And while crying I figured I might as well cut myself too.

I stared at the red arm juice, and then cried myself to sleep.

*next day*

Despite my debilitating injuries I decided to go to school, so no one would realize I was beat despite the several obvious clues.

I went downstairs to head out the door, and my dad gave me my morning beating session, before I walked to Beck's truck.

"Hey babe." He smiled "Wanna make out?"

"Why not?" I shrugged.

We did a hot make out session before he pulled and then pulled away and said, "Woah wee momma! What are these?" He looked down at me.

"Those are called boobs Beck. You know girls get them, guys love them, babies suck them, haven't you-"

"No not those, all those are quite enticing. They're like two great big lindt lindor truffles, and I think you added some chocolate kisses on top." He winked.

I blushed and retorted, "Shut up I suffer from erectile nippolia!"

"Hahahah do you now, well your erectile nippolia is giving me and erectile penis...olia."

"You're such a perv." I rolled my eyes.

"THAT IS SO TRUE! But anyways I was talking about these suspicious black and blue marks that look like bruises but it can't be that because that stuff doesn't exist in our little bubble of perfection."

"It's nothing." I grumbled.

"Alright." He smiled and we drove to school.

*lunch*

"Oh my gosh Jade what happened to you?" Cat screeches when she sees me.

"That's just her face Cat." The suddenly mean Tori retorts said.

"Har dee har har." I laugh dryly.

"But seriously Jade, where'd you get those bruises and burn marks?" Andre asks.

"Fine if you must know I fell down a flaming staircase." I took a bite of my burrito.

"Ooooohhhhhh that makes sense!" The group collectively said.

"Jeez Loiuz Jade, you're such a clutz." Tori laughed.

"Jeez Tori, you're such parasitic anorexic skank that won't seem to leave my boyfriend alone." I said in a deadpan tone.

"Jade!" Beck shouted.

"Congrats you know my name."

"That was very mean, apologize!" He scolded.

"You always stick up for her. You don't love me!" I ran away crying.

I went to the only place that made sense; home.

"Jade why are you home?" My dad yelled when he saw me.

"Why are _you _home?" I questioned.

"Because I'm a lazy drunk despite the fact I have a very successful business." He took a swig of vodka.

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Now come here so I can kick your ass!"

"But I don't wanna." I whined

"Too bad."

"Fine." I walked over to him, and he kicked and punched me to the hard hard ground. It didn't feel good, and it made me really sad.

"You make me feel so sad!" I cried out.

"Good because your a worthless bitch whose never gonna be loved, even though you have a boyfriend that somehow stayed with you for 2 years!" He kicks me again in the ribs, but since I'm part superhero, all I get is bruises.

He's right though. No one will ever love me. I run to my room when he's done and cry.

While I'm up there I open a drawer of my secret cutting weapons and contemplated on what I should use today. So many choices...scissors...razor...knife...machete...axe...I think I'll go with the scissors.

I pick up the really shiny scissors and admire as the shininess bounced against the light.

I sat down in my bathroom, and then started slashing at my arm and laughed at blood falling on the clean floor.

"Sheesh you put the laughter in manslaughter!" I heard a boy's voice say.

"What the green flaming hippos are you doing here Beck?" I shouted, and dropped the scissors.

"I saw your dad beat you."

"Um and how did you do that."

"That's beside the point, Jade why didn't you tell me?" He said sadly.

"Tell you what?"

"That your parents kick the shit out of you everyday, and that you turn yourself into a cats scratching post except with sharp objects."

"So, it's not like anyone cares."

"Wrong. _Most _people don't care. But I do and I always will."

"You're just saying that."

"Here I'll prove it to you." He dragged my arm, that had magically stopped bleeding.

"Where the hell are we going."

"You'll see." He pulled me into my room.

"Seriously? Sex?"

"Oh yeah, I'm a freaking master, in fact I won't just teabag you, I fucking potato sack!" He beamed.

"And why are we having sex?"

"Um is that even a legit question? I mean it's the only way I can prove I'm in love with you."

"Oh yeah, that is true."

*69 seconds later*

"Woah Beck you really do love me." I beamed.

"Of course I do, how couldn't I? I mean sure you're sorta bitchy, have trouble showing emotion, and your emotionally disturbed a little from your parents, but I LURVE that about you."

"I love you too." I muttered, and snuggled closer to him

After a couple minutes he whispered, "Hey wanna hear a joke?"

"No."

"What's white and red all over?"

"Don't care."

"You with a pair of scissors!"

"..."

"Too soon?"

"Fuck you."

And they all lived happily ever after!

**Alright not sure how funny this one is, but I think it's alright, but it's your guys opinions that matter, so tell me what you think PWEASE :D Also I wanted to give credit to Glozell from youtube who I actually said the erectile nippolia joke first, so if you recognized it, now you know where I stole it from XD**


	4. Just Another How Bade Met Story

**Okay so here is the next chapter, and it's Bade :D That's the good news...the bad news is that I'm going on vacation today, and I won't be back until july 9th so I won't be able update til then, but I wanted to put up some chapters for most of my stories, so ENJOY!**

JUST ANOTHER HOW BADE CAME TO BE STORY

_**~Beck POV~**_

*Two years ago*

Man it's the first day of high school, and I still haven't found some girl to bang.

"Hey my name's Kimberly."

"Hey Kimmy, I'm Beck." I smile

"Kimberly." she said darkly.

"Oh."

"Yeah well your uber hot."

"That is true."

"And so am I." She grinned.

"Well..." I shrugged.

"So we should go out."

"But you don't even know me."

"Sure I do, your Beck Oliver, you were born in Vancouver, and then moved here to Hollywood at some point in your life, and-"

"Uh how do you know that."

"Um ever heard of facebook, HELLO?"

"Yeah, but I don't have one."

"That's what you think." she winked.

"I'm gonna go now." I walked away.

Using my super human hearing I heard the most beautiful sound in the whole world.

"Cat are you seriously gonna dye your hair red?"

I turned in slow-mo, and it was like in the movies when our eyes met, and I swear it was love at first sight. The only difference its that after a while I heard her say, "What the fuck are you looking at?"

I hastily turned away and using my pretty boy swag, I skillfully joined these girls who I didn't know's conversation.

"Yeah Cat dying your hair red is just CRRAAAYYY-ZEE." I smiled down at the goth girl expecting her to be like _wow this totally hot hunk is agreeing with me. _She wasn't.

"Who the hell are you?" She stepped away.

"I'm Cat." The brown haired girl smiled.

"No kidding. I mean this disney character wannabe with the dead rat for what I think is hair."

That was harsh. Oh I get it she was just playing hard to get, well lucky for her I'm like Tom, and she's my oh so fine Jerry, and I'll never give up chasing her. I mean I saw her approximately 2 minutes ago, and I already had cravings for her like scooby doo and scooby snacks. Yum!

"The names Oliver. Beck Oliver." I said smoothly, and flipped my head towards her.

"What yours-" I started to ask until I saw she was already gone.

"My names Kimberly, remember I already told you." That other girl appeared in front of the goth girl's place, "And I was thinking you can call me Kimmy, but that means I get to think up a cute little pet name for you. I was thinking Honey Buns, because I wouldn't mine taking a bite of that scrumduliontious cheeks of yours, and I'm not talking about your face." She smiled flirtatiously.

"Um I'm sorry but you seem to be a bordering molester, so I 'm gonna have to say no."

"HAHAHAH oh Beckette you are _too _funny, seriously Eddie Murphy ain't got nothing on you!" She laughed hysterically.

"Well that's probably true, but-" I'm interrupted by the bell ringing. "Oh I gotta go to class bye."

"Oh what class do you have?" She asked

"Umm, Mr. Sikowitz."

"Aw hot damn, I have Mrs. Rellers, but maybe we'll see each other later." She snuggled close to me.

"Well take a shower and maybe that might become a possibility." I ran away from her.

Man why did I have to be such a stud muffin, these crazy chicks are getting on my nerve. But it's still cool, because my hotness will definitely get that goth girl to be mine. ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHA*cough*HAHAH.

Any whoozle, let's see Sikowitz is room 213, ah here we are. I magically appeared in front of his room. Right on time too.

Oh my good golly gosh (OM3G) it's..._her. _Lady Luck is definitely on my side today. Well it's time for me to make my move.

"Oh God, what the heck is wrong with you, are a you some kind of stalker?" She sighed in frustration, as I sat on the other side of her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sick and talking to you is my only medicine."

"That the best you got? Pff well I've been discontinued, but I think that Snooki/ Paris Hilton wannabe would be just right for you." She pointed to some girl in puke on me pink. "You know what make that Snooki/ _Perez _Hilton wannabe." The goth scoffed, as she zoomed in on the other girl.

"But-" but before I could finish my sentence she kicked me off the seat, and instead some guy with a puppet sat where I was.

"Feisty, I like them that way! Like a cat, well I must let you then that I was raised by wolves, so I'm used to catching a lot of pussy, AHROOOOO!" I dog howled, and soon heard someone accompany me.

I spun around to what appeared to be a mix between a hobo and sideshow performer.

"Excellent job! You sounded exactly like my neighbors dogs when are...ahem...doing it."

"Hmph, that's because I'm a sex crazed beast, who also has a soft side for little vixens like babycakes over there." I winked at the goth girl.

"Call me that one more time, and I will beat you with a bat, shit on your grave, then have a party on it, then puke on it after I get so hung over, and then laugh."

"Quite I spicy little thing we have here." The teacher looked at the goth girl, "Like those chimichangas I had last night with my wife."

"Your married?" A black guy with dreads questioned.

"No."

"But-"

"Just because I have a wife, young lad, does not mean I mean married."

"I think it does." The boy said.

"Well you would be correctly wrong, okay onto the lesson!"

After that I blanked out the rest of class because that girl whose name I magically learned was Jade was so hot, and it made me so horny I couldn't even think straight.

A couple insignificant classes later, I found myself walking to lunch.

When I got there I saw Jade sitting with Cat.

"Hey sugarbritches"

"Who the hell are you?" She exploded.

"Oh I'm Beck the milkman, where do you want it, front to or back?" I winked, which she returned with a blank stare. "Get it, I was taling about sex."

"I get it." She drawled, and continued eating her salad."

"Girl I don't get why you have to eat salad, I mean you got more curves than a racetrack."

She looked up and glared at me a little longer than forever.

"You know your eyes are bluer than window cleaner."

"You're pathetic." She mutters.

"I don't think she likes you." Cat said innocently.

"Ah don't worry I've only just begun, soon enough she'll realize what a piece of eye candy I am."

"I hate candy." Jade said in a deadpan tone.

"I love candy!" Cat gushed

"I got to go to math." Jade got up, looking more than annoyed. I wonder why?

"Oh you like math do you, well I'm pretty good at it myself. Here listen to this: You and me at my crib, add a bed, subtract clothes, divide your legs, and multiply." I beamed.

"Dude what are you like 14, why is the only you think of sex?" She exclaimed angrily.

"I'm mature for my age." I shrugged.

"Well unfortunately for you I'm not." She got up and spilled coffee all over my luxurious mane.

"OM3G why did you do that, it's gonna take me forever and a day to clean out my glorious locks!" I exclaimed.

"Good, because they were starting to look like some mutant thing I'd fine in a subway."

"Well then!" I huffed, and she just waked away, and her 14 year old ass was shaking so much I just wanted to grab them and squeeze them and stuff.

And one day I will. Oh yes I will.

*later*

It's been 1 whole week and Jade still hasn't fallen for my hunk of a body. I just don't understad, how could a girl _not_ want to go out with me. It just defies the laws of the world. I've even stood in front of her locker everyday to ask her out (because apparently I just became that desperate.)

I guess that meant I just had to try a little harder!

I turned back to the vending machine, and you wouldn't believe who came stroding bye!

"Hey, do you go to nipple for a dime." I asked.

"..."

"Get it, nipples sound like nickels, Jeez I have to be the funniest person you know. Am I right? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am-"

"Will you just leave me the fuck alone, what did I do to deserve this?" She shouted.

"Ah baby, don't think of me as a punishment, I'm just a God-given gift from Him to you. But you must know my instructions first before you can use me. Step 1) Add a bed. Step 2) Add you. Step 3) enjoy!"

"That was worse than the math one."

"Okay give me another chance, listen to this I wrote a poem for you, okay here it goes." I pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. "Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" I nudged her.

"Don't touch me."

"Okay, so your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours."

She smirked slightly, before saying, "Truthfully why do you wanna go out with a bitch like me?"

I wanna get in your pants.

"Because you're beautiful, independent, sassy, different, unique, special, and you're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear!" I grinned goofily.

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"I'll go out with you."

"SUCCESS! So do you wanna do breakfast tomorrow?"

"Sure." She shrugged.

"Alright should I call you or nudge you?" I winked.

"..."

"Ger tit because by nudge, I mean we'll be in the same bed."

"..."

"Because we had sex."

"..."

"I'll shut up now."

"Please."

"Hey you said please, that's the nicest thing you've ever said."

"No I didn't."

"Yea you-"

"No. I didn't."

"Yes ma'am."

"So when does this conversation end."

"I think we have to end on a witty comment."

"Fine. *insert funny clever ending*

And they all lived happily ever after :D

**Soooooo how was it? I really liked the corny pick up lines :D But I have a question for YOU guys! In your reviews can you leave which line or part was your favorite (if any) so I have an idea what kind of things you think is funny so I can add it in my next chapters. That would be grrrrreat :D**


	5. Just Another Hospital Story

**I'm baaacccckkkk after like 2+ months! Sorry for not updating in so long, I'm not going to bore you guys with pointless excuses so here's the new chapter! Enjoy!**

JUST ANOTHER HOSPITAL STORY

**~Jade POV~**

"I hate you Beckette Oliver!" I scream really loud.

"Yeah well you're not that wonderful yourself. And you know what just for kicks you might as well know I love Tori too!"

My heart stopped right then and there and I stared at him with big sad eyes that were really large and not happy.

"I'm gonna cry and run away now, because of what you just said." I ran away crying to my car.

"Well good riddance!" he shouted back.

I can't believe it, he really doesn't love me. Forget the starving kids in Africa, and the dying children in hospitals, my life is the WORST! I mean my boyfriend loves somebody else, how much worse can it get.

During my pity session I don't notice the coincidentally huge 47494995 wheeler truck heading right towards me.

Ooo wait I have to add that I love Beck to make it more dramatic, with just a pinch of cuteness.

I love you Beckette Oliver, with all my heart.

Forever and always.

You're my other half.

Uh...*insert cliché lovey dovey comment*

And then next thing I know my car is rolling like a log down the road, and on the way I get thrown out of my car right through the windshield, and then I hit a forest of tress that just appeared in downtown hollywood. And _then _as I'm laying there broken and bloody, a gunman comes up and shoots me five majillion times. Then another dude rapes me. Then I'm trampled by a herd of deer. Then I'm mugged.

And then the forest burns down.

I hover between unconscious and un-unconsciosness before finally giving into the darkness and fading into the not light part of my mind.

**~Beck POV~**

OMG I'm such a stupid head, why did I say those mean things to Jade. Oh jeez I need to follow her.

I jump into my car and follow her. And then...it happened.

It's like all slow-mo like.

The big ol' truck materializes out of no where and hits Jade's unsuspecting car, and then her tiny body flies through the windshield and she hits a car. Then even _more _really bad stuff happens to her. I run over to her motionless body.

Oh dear.

Her entire body is cover in dark red bloody body juice, and she's obviously broken a bone or two. Plus a little bit of her brain is showing through her skull.

And yet she still looks like one foxy mama I'd totally bang.

I kneel next to her, and start to sob and stuff, "Jade are you alright?"

She doesn't even answer me.

Bitch.

Oh wait no I forgot that means she's dead.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! My one and only love is gone and it's all my fault!" I cry to the sky. Hey that rhymes. Coolio.

I look down at Jade and feel her pulse, and guess what she's still alive, even though she's still on fire a little bit.

"WOOHOO!" I scream excitedly, and then call 911.

"Please come quick my girlfriend is hurt and maybe dying, ya gotta hurry!"

"And where are you sir?" The operator asks.

"Around the corner and up your butt!" I laugh remembering a joke from 1st grade, and then hang up. "Man that one always kills me!" I cackle, "Wait kill...dead...JADE...oopsie daisy I better call back!"

"Hello, I don't know if you recognize my deep sexy husky voice, but I just called-"

But I was interrupted by loud hysterical laughter, "Ah yeah I remember you dude, that joke was a real knee slapper, where do you come up with that stuff?" The operator says in between laughs.

"Oh well thanks buddy. You see it all started in 1st grade with my Chester and we were- wait my girlfriend;s dying get your ass over here so you can help her, we're at 123 Main St."

"Right dying girl, of course okay I've sent an ambulance that should be there any minute."

"Sigh, I guess it's true what they say huh? When seconds count help is always minutes away." I sigh.

"HAHAHAHAHAH dude you-your killing me...aw lawd I like can't breathe cuz your just that funny!"

I run a hand in my hair, "Yeah I am, well it was nice talking to you sir."

"Wait wait do you have any more jokes?"

"Uh..okay. Yo mama like a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more..."

"...Asshole." The man says before hanging up.

"...I thought it was funny." I mutter, and then turn back to Jade.

"Please sweet pea, open your eyes for me." Man another rhyme, just I should be like a rapper or somethin'. I could be like 'Yo they call me B-E-C-K when you come and see me I say have a nice day, I'm so cool and I'm not a fool, I shoot hoops but first I gotta eat my froot loops uh...yeah PEACE'.

Man I should right that down! But first I goot make sure Jade's alright.

"I checked my phone for the time and approximately 57.249 seconds have passed since I called. Ugh where are they!

I gingerly feel Jade's burning and bloody wrist for a pulse, and sigh that the laws of nature have been disproven and that she's still alive.

"C'mon Jade, just hold on a little longer, help is on the way."

"B-Beck?" She defies the universe again and whispers so softly I almost can't hear it.

"You're alive yay!" I pick up her severely injured body and bring her in for a victory dance, and then settle her down again.

"D-don't forget me." She rasps.

"W-what?" I choke out.

"I love you." She closes her eyes and exhales deeply.

"Jade?" I whisper.

She ignores me again.

"JADE wake up, please don't give up now!" I scream, and finally the ambulance conveniently rolls in.

The paramedics walk over to us wielding a stretcher, "Okay which one of you need assistance?"

"Uh the bloody girl over there." I point to Jade.

"Right, thanks son." They carry her on the stretcher and carry her to the ambulance where I hop in with him and begin the longest drive of my life, as they try to revive her.

Jeesh when did my life become an episode of Degrassi.

*hospital*

Even though Jade is a minor the doctors never asked for her parents so the gang and I waited anxiously in the waiting room awaiting Jade's results.

Finally a middle aged doctor walks out and calls us.

"So give me the deets doc." I say nervously.

"Well it seems that Jadelyn has suffered internal bleeding in her everywhere, a broken everything and she has some serious bruising and cuts in every place possible, oh yeah and she's in a coma."

"So that means..." I ask.

"She should make a full recovery Wednesday."

I sigh in relief and do a little victory dance, and we all sing a happy song, before sitting down again.

"So can we see her?" Cat asks.

"Of course little one, she's in room 143."

"Aww like I love you!" Tori gushes.

"What?" Andre asks.

"You know 'I' has 1 word 'love' has 4 and 'you' has' 3."

"That's so cute, like a fuzzy armadillo!" Cat laughs airily.

We walk to the room, and I gasp as I see my love hooked up to a bunch of medical stuff. It was totes scary to see.

I walk over to her, and cry and then fall asleep because I'm so tired.

*Wednesday*

Well it's Wednesday so Jade is getting out of the hospital today! Woohoo I'm so happy I can jump for joy. So I do.

"Uh what are you doing?" Jade raises an eyebrow.

"Jumping for joy, wanna join?" I ask still jumping.

"No."

"Okay." I keep bouncing, and laughing and just enjoying life because it's just so awesome.

"Kay Beckette lets get out of this hell hole." Jade says and loops her arm in mine.

"Yes ma'am." I grin and follow her down the hallway out of the hospital until we go outside and continue down the rolling hills into the sunset.

And they all lived happily ever after!

**So this chapter was pretty fun to write I got a little lazy and rushed the ends but whatever, that's what great about this story, it's supposed to be bad! Anyways review please so I can jump for joy too!**


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